Let’s Get This Lonely Flamingo Laid.

FLAMINGO MYSTERIOUSLY APPEARS IN A SAN DIEGO SALT MARSH, FAR FROM HOME This flamingo has mysteriously found its way to the outskirts of San Diego.

By Joe Sills

The gift fluttered in on Valentine’s Day—a single, pink flamingo splashing down under the shadows of downtown San Diego.

As of this week, the bird is still living in the San Diego Bay National Wildlife Refuge, home to some of the last vestiges of southern California’s wild marshland and estuaries.

Most likely, the bird isn’t a wayward traveler, lost in the midst of migration. Instead, “we think the bird is a fugitive,” having escaped from a private collection says Andy Yuen, complex project leader at the refuge. (Read about a jet-black flamingo spotted in Cyprus.)

“It does have a band on its leg, and it looks like the flamingo has had its wings clipped in the past, but it is now fully flying.”

According to Yuen, the American flamingo is happily foraging in the refuge’s salt marsh, much of which consists of restored, shallow ponds that were once used for commercial production of salt.

In 2011, the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service reintroduced tidal flow to those ponds, creating the perfect landing spot for migrating birds—including, apparently, flamingos.

What a story to get our Saturday started! I absolutely love flamingos. Always been a huge fan. The Bronx Zoo has a great, healthy flock and I always liked admiring them from the walkway that circles their marsh. The Bronx Zoo is so elite as a zoo, by the way. People don’t talk about that enough.

For those of you who don’t know, American Flamingos are native to Florida. They live in big groups and walk around with their dainty ass legs, eating grass and cleaning their pink feathers. Honestly, they look like they ooze sex. Other birds probably look at them and drool over what it would be like to fertilize a flamingo egg. Not sure if birds have sex, but we can look that up together later. Flamingos are just so majestic looking. It’s mostly their beautiful color and the soft curvature of their necks.

Which leads me to my next point; I feel awful for this lonely flamingo living in San Diego. The poor guy is lost, living in a world where he is literally the only flamingo around. Their are no native flamingos in California, and staff at the San Diego Zoo are certain that the bird is not one of theirs.

If that is truly the case, we cannot sit back idly and watch while this lonely bird has to strut his fine ass around the marshlands of San Diego with nobody to keep him warm at night. I don’t care what we have to do, we need to fix this problem. I’m thinking a 3 or 4 pronged dating profile attack would be a strong place to start. Tinder, Bumble, Hinge and whatever else is hot out in San Diego these days.

Maybe also someone at the San Diego Zoo could take this guy in, and introduce him to their flock. Actually, that’s a much better idea. They know he has a tag on his leg and his wings have been previously clipped, so he could probably use some professional attention. More importantly, this dude deserves to get his nut! I’m sure they have some young, healthy looking flamingos at the zoo just waiting to take this flamingo’s seed. That’s how zoos work. They turn the animals into sex machines, and then they don’t have to buy new animals from rich middle eastern dudes.

To anyone reading this, please help spread the message of our lonely friend, lost in San Diego. Together we can make a difference, and hopefully a bunch of new baby flamingos in the process.


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