Smithsonian – Something strange is happening to the birds of Gilbert, Minnesota. In recent days, they have been flying perilously close to windows and cars, and generally seem to be discombobulated. According to CBS affiliate WCCO 4, the cause of this erratic behavior is one that might be familiar to some humans: The birds are drunk.
Gilbert police, who have been fielding reports of close encounters with bumbling birds, took to Facebook to explain that the animals have been feasting on fermented berries, which in turn is making them “a little more ‘tipsy’ than normal.” An early frost this year sped up the fermentation process, police said. As James Owen explained in a 2014 piece for National Geographic, freezing prompts berries to convert starches into sugars, and when the berries subsequently thaw, “it [is] possible for yeast to get in” and expedite fermentation.
It’s not unusual for berries to turn boozy in late winter and early spring, but because the Minnesota frost occurred before birds in the area migrated south, their drunken antics have been particularly noticeable to Gilbert residents.
I wish this was a phenomenon not limited to the confines of a random small town in Minnesota. I wish it was happening all across the country. You can’t tell me if wouldn’t be fucking spectacular. We’d have CNN and Fox News interrupting stories about Brett Kavanaugh to talk about drunk birds flying into windshields on the highway and causing 10 car pileups taking weird bird shits on people’s doorsteps. It’s the break from 2018’s cutthroat news cycle we all deserve.
I know I’m just getting myself excited here, but it’s worth considering and I won’t apologize for making myself feel good with ridiculous hypotheticals. However you spin it, what’s happening in Gilbert, Minnesota is downright fantastic. It’s one of those natural occurrences that makes very little sense, but is so funny and entertaining and mind-bottling all you can do is just read the story and then sit back and think about how much you’d enjoy being able to witness it firsthand.
Kudos to the Gilbert Minnesota Police Department as well for having some fun with this whole situation. I got a nice little cackle out of the fact that people were calling the police to report the inebriated birds as if they expected the police to round them all up as they would after a complaint about a drunk homeless man taking a shit in front of your mom’s favorite pizzeria. People are so fucking stupid sometimes, so it’s important to note that a local police department stepped up and delivered the necessary information to the citizens they serve.
The Facebook post basically says that the birds are drunk because Minnesota had an early frost and that sped up the fermentation process within the berries they eat and everyone should carry on like everything is good and normal because the birds will sober up eventually. So put your phones down and go to work like you would any other day, unless of course you come across any of these specific scenes…
Well, I guess that settles it. Keep your eyes open if you’re traveling through Gilbert, Minnesota. The birds are drunk and behaving recklessly, but they’re gonna be okay. That being said, fuck Big Bird and his raging alcoholism. That monster has done enough damage to our society and deserves to be locked away for a long, long time.
Lepota and The Hound 